[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.