[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
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5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward