What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it