I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!