I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
You Might Also Like
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food