Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
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Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
my mind
You just read my mind
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt