SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.