The glory of fall.
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*aggressively waits in line*
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The absolute effort that went into this omg