[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
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My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
channeling her this year
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
incredible book dedication
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
SCARY COSTUME
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense