Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
🚲+physics = winner
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.