No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.