me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.