I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.