The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
The answer is funnier than the question
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*