Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.