*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
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Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.