My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.