excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty