The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
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I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I have so many questions.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
let’s discuss
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.