I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*