Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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The glockness monster
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?