Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me irl
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.