Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.