Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.