Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
You Might Also Like
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus