Yet the one time I did, I got banned
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?