I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high