Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.