I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”