Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.