Should I call tech support or pray or what
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?