[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.