Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Kids, do not try this at home!
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do