date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.