Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”