Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him