[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
What
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.