I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
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Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.