‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Body by Oreos
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.