My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now