I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome