Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
You Might Also Like
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…