When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”