Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
You Might Also Like
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
me and my fake scenarios
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews