I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
yes… yes…
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd