Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away