I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now