“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
the world’s most popular steaming services
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go