Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea