To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
What a website
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.